BLOG ENVY

Every day I have to decide if I'm going to keep this blog alive. Lately I've been experiencing blog envy and today I had a serious sit down with myself. I started this blog as a place to share and express the things that were important to me and that I was passionate about. Every day I would look to see if anyone had made a comment and then later I discovered I could moniter and trace how many hits I had and where readers came from. It was all great fun until it started to mean something. Then I started reading other blogs on a regular basis and saw how many comments they got and watched their numbers grow. Lately, I've noticed a trend with certain blogs that have formed "brotherhoods", of readers. All my life I have felt left out of the "club". Straight guys had a club that I could never fit into and then when I came out I discovered gay guys have several different clubs and I have yet to find a place in any of them. Now I find out that gay guys who fuck straight guys, straight guys who fuck straight guys and straight guys who fuck gay guys have clubs and once again I'm left feeling like the ugly red-headed stepchild, standing on the outside while everyone else is inside have a grand old time. I'm not judging or criticizing those blogs, for me and my perceived inability to make connections, it's exhausting and overwhelming and I finally decided to give up and form my own little club of one. I will keep blogging about the things that matter to me as an expression of my passions and stop looking at numbers and comparing myself to others. I have a few faithful followers and I appreciate you so much. You know who you are and you have helped me get through some tough times in the past. I spent the day yesterday working on a painting for a friend's birthday present and today I will be working on Amphibians. A friend from junior high and high school passed away recently in his sleep. He was the first of the old gang that was the only "club" I was even marginally connected to. Amphibians is about that old gang and Brian's death has really made me want to get back to that story. The interesting thing about Brian is that he came out as gay before I did and we connected right afterwards. We never talked about being gay and what it was like being the only two gay guys in the group. I wish we could have had that conversation. RIP Brian.