I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in a big field of rye and all. ... Thousands of kids, and nobody big at all, nobody big but me. And I'm standing on the edge of this crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to come and catch them. If they start to fall ... and don't look where they're going. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all.
J. D. Salinger passed away today. He was 91. Catcher in the Rye was one of the first books I read as a young teenager that really seem to speak to my blossoming sexuality and awareness. I no longer felt alone in my crazy world of fantasies and dreams. The world seemed larger and I was just a part of it and longer the center of my universe. I then went on to read Franny and Zoey and Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Nine Stories. His books spoke to me in time when I needed a voice other than my own in my head. Rest in peace.
Today was the first day without rain. The sun came out in the late afternoon and I wanted to bask in it for hours. I have an interview to manage an independent bookstore in Napa. I also am making plans for winemaker dinners that would precede concerts at a new venue in Napa. My good friends have all turned me on to these jobs. In this economy, it truly is who you know that makes the difference. Fingers crossed and candles are lit.
The sun came out this morning and has been playing hide and seek with rain clouds all day. The rain fell hard last night and put me to sleep.
This weekend I will go over to Santa Rosa and have dinner with old friends. I have thought of canceling several times. We will play charades and it is always an uplifting experience to be with this group of people. I know they love me unconditionally and support me.
It has been so hard for me to write. I have two novels and a short story I have been working on for several months and have shut down. I have a play I wrote and have been waiting for a friend of mine to get back to me about a possible reading. She seems to have disappeared off the face if the earth. I have a musical that I wrote and have been working with two composers for six years now and the latest one has been off making a name for himself as a musician. I get reports of where he is on Facebook. Meanwhile, I sit here waiting. My life seems so dependent on others. I want control back, although it all seems an illusion. I write this blog and no one reads it. I haven't told anyone that I'm writing it and I don't think I ever will.
I just started Andre Agassi's autobiography, Open. What an amazing childhood. I can't put it down, but the abuse and incredible relationship with his father makes me cringe and hurt for him. He appears so sweet and gentle and I'm sure he is the person he is today because of his father, but the price seems awfully high.
Made it safe and somewhat sound back from Utah. I got a cold and it lingered throughout my stay, but not bad enough to send me to bed, however, when I returned to California I stayed in bed all day the day after my flight.
Still waiting for the miracles. Everyday, my self esteem and confidence seem to shrink like a sun dried tomato. The job market seems worse than when I first began this journey almost a year ago.
Update: I finished the book and I am so happy for Andre. He has a wonderful life with Steffi. I would read his descriptions of games and then look for them on Youtube and watch the game. His recall of the game and what he was thinking was amazing. He has inspired me to play tennis again and to be a better person. Thanks Andre.
"An artist has always gotta be in the state of becoming"... Bob Dylan...
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